So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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