What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
