Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
