i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
