barbara walters just said penis...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
