did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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