I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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