I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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