The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the day after is always just damage control
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
