The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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