no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
