I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
