he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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