This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
