all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
