Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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