This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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