jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize