i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
