there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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