I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
