and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
