My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
