I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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