if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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