So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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