You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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