Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
