we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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