Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You have to summon your inner elephant
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
