Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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