I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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