dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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