ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she looked like the before picture.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
