So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
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Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
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Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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