Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
