Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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