where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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