i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My life is pants optional.
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