I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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