she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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