Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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