the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
