I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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