well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
