Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
