If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
