You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Your penis caused this!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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