Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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