dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
