I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
