I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
